The Major

A medical emergency arose during one of Major Nathaniel Peabody's (USA, ret.) grouse hunting expeditions. A young hunter, unaccustomed to the dangers of entering the woods without appropriate provisions, received an urgent call of nature and found he had neglected to bring any form of paper with him. In his confusion he wiped with a handful of poison ivy. Miles from modern medical services, the poor fellow had to resort to the partial relief of a river-mud poultice. He had to apply it himself. None of his fellow hunters would volunteer for the job.
One evening as the men sat around the campfire (except the young hunter, who preferred to stand or lean against a tree), Peabody rattled the ice cubes in his empty glass and, while one of his companions found the single-malt Scotch and performed the refill ceremony, began a discourse designed to enlighten his shotgunning associates.
"The historians tell us that toilet paper was first made in China in 1391," he said. "The sheets were two feet by three feet, and only the Emperor was entitled to use them. We are further informed that Mr. Seth Wheeler invented perforated toilet paper and received US Patent No. 117355 on July 25, 1871. You will recall that this Earth-shattering event occurred 22 years after the 1849 California Gold Rush, when thousands of people hurried across the prairies to strike it rich in the new El Dorado. It was a rough and rugged journey for those pioneers, and a rough and rugged life awaited them on the West Coast. At the time of the Gold Rush, you see, there was no perforated toilet paper. How could those hearty pioneers have survived? The answer, friends, is simple. They eschewed the use of poison ivy and instead used corncobs. Of course, they first removed all of the corn kernels.
"The 20th Century development of paper technology by companies like Kimberly Clark, Scott and Northern Tissue-which advertised 'Not a splinter in a roll' -popularized toilet tissue in the 1920s and '30s and, what with the subsequent worldwide population explosion, huge volumes of the stuff are now produced annually.
"There are those who are convinced that the toilet-paper industry represents a serious threat to the universe. Certain Hollywood intellectuals are pushing a program that will save humanity from the evils of toilet paper." The Major looked at the young man leaning against the tree squirming and grimacing. "Don't worry, young man," he said. "Nobody is suggesting the substitution of poison ivy. Hollywood has something else in mind, and I understand the proposal is gaining traction in California and may result in another one of those peculiar California laws.
"There's an awful lot of paper that goes down the toilet every day. Let's conservatively presume that the average Californian uses five sheets of paper per "operation" and produces three operations per day. That's about 5,475 sheets per person per year. Seeing as the population of California is estimated to be 33.9 million people, in that state alone about 185.6 billion sheets of toilet paper go into the sewage system every year. And I haven't even counted the used-toilet-paper production of the state's undocumented and uncounted illegals.
"There are many well-intentioned Hollywood types who have never worn out a pair of boots in their lifetime and wouldn't know Mother Nature if she knocked them down and sat on them. Nevertheless, they should be applauded for their good intentions to protect the old girl. The entertainment-world intellectuals are now preaching the advantages of using only one square of toilet paper during each regular lower-intestinal exercise. The benefits of their program, we are informed, are numerous.
"A lot of trees have to be cut down to produce 185 billion sheets of toilet paper. By reducing usage from five sheets to one per evacuation, in California alone nearly 150 billion sheets of toilet paper will not end up in the sewers. By using only one sheet instead of five, California's yearly consumption of used-toilet-paper sheets can be reduced to a mere 35 billion. By eliminating the need for 150 billion pieces of toilet paper, a lot of trees will no longer have to be cut down. The Hollywood promulgator of the one-sheet proposal should be applauded for her good intentions.
"If the one-sheet rule becomes mandatory in California, the toilet-paper industry will be forced to reduce its destruction of the state's beautiful forests. As a result, thousands of miles of woodsy bicycle and walking trails can be constructed for California folks to use for healthy exercise as they commune with nature. Still a third benefit occurs: Given new prime habitat, the mountain lion population will expand. Finally, the people who use California's new bicycle and walking trails will become a source of food for the marauding mountain lions. California's terrible overpopulation problem might be held in check by hungry cougars.
"To be fair about it, Hollywood's mandatory one-sheet proposal does nothing to solve a related and equally serious environmental problem. Let's say each California toilet flush carries 11/2 gallons of water. That's about 55.7 billion gallons of West Coast water per year going down the drain. What a frightening cause for alarm for the Hollywood types who have property on Lake Tahoe. The water used could reduce the lake to a mere pond.
"The one-sheet program does nothing in itself to reduce the total number of required toilet flushes. The Hollywood program does nothing to save humanity from the terrible consequences of the promised drain on the world's entire freshwater supply."
Peabody stared down at his feet and said to himself, "What we really need is a way to save both the world's forests and the world's water supply." Then he brightened as the answer came to him.
"The 49ers provide the answer-and, no, I don't mean the football team. I refer to the people who came across the prairies in 1849 during the Gold Rush. Hollywood types can emulate those hearty pioneers by using corncobs just as they did. Changing the Hollywood one-sheet proposal to a one-corncob proposal will remove the need to use any toilet paper and, thus, save even more of the rain forests.
"They could further emulate their pioneer ancestors by eschewing modern plumbing and reverting to the time-honored use of outhouses. Then no Hollywood flushings would be required, and the associated drain on the world's water supply would immediately cease."
Peabody concluded his lecture: "The disposal of used corncobs presents no problem. Since they are biodegradable, they can be deposited in front of Hollywood's Malibu Beach homes, providing a natural barrier for protection against beach erosion."
Then he looked up and was disappointed to find his friends had lost interest in his environmentalism and wandered off. Only the young man remained. He was preoccupied with rubbing his hind side against the tree.

Galen Winter's favorite Major stories have been collected and anthologized in The Best of the Major, available for $25 (plus shipping) from 800-685-7962; www.shootingsportsman.com.